if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.