Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
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It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
went fishing caught a bass
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Tell the colonel to bring it
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot