*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…