Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs