Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I hope they boil the right one.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Coffee is ready.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.