My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me driving through Toronto
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.