[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Put the is in disheveled
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.