my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
A dead goose is called a ghoost
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.