The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.