I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
What flavor cupcake are these
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Good morning!
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.