Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
When you’re Kinky but poor
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m tired tomorrow.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.