Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
You Might Also Like
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
How to woo a woman
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.