2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Dishonest mechanic?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.