“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.