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Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.