My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
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crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice