[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
You Might Also Like
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.