Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
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I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.