Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
#dnd #ttrpg
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I’m pretty like a car crash.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.