I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
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If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
That lamp looks PISSED.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense