When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.