Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
This meal prepping shit easy
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still