i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home