I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
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Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.