[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
You Might Also Like
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks