I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
The glockness monster
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.