[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The absolute effort that went into this omg