Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
You Might Also Like
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.