If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
when nothing goes right… go left
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When libraries troll their patrons.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery