[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I have obtained a hat
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped