Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
No Google it does not
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.