Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!