Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
very niche meme I made
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
What a chick magnet..
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
When I said I liked it rough.