Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I love it all
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.