Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.