Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
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Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
What
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.