Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
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the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
6: are snakes just neck?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.