After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
my name if I was in the mob
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy