My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
this post was so formative to me
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.