Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Sorry I made promises on Friday
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*