Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this