A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.