Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.