Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.