It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
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Had to try this trend 😊
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I only treason on days ending in y
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
🙂🐾
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.