ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.