Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I didn’t come here to be called names
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER