me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Livid.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.