*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.