Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
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Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless